Coming to a Close

You know how when you're reading a really good book and you can't wait to get to the next chapter?  You turn the pages as fast as you can, wanting to know what's next!  There are now only a few more pages left in this chapter of my life and then on to a new one expected to be even more exciting. It’s hard to think about it that way – it makes it so much more real. My husband and I have been married for two years and for the past four plus it’s been us. We’ve taken at least two vacations every year, visited Florida, California twice, the Caribbean, Colorado, Vegas, New York, and taken many quick getaways. We’ve done what we’ve wanted, when we wanted and bought what we’ve wanted when we’ve wanted. For the past 8 months, our focus has already turned to baby. We only took one vacation – a ski trip to Crested Butte, which I didn’t even bother skiing because I was afraid to take any risks. I can hardly count that as a vacation, but it was a get-away. I have avoided any activity with risk – although I have continued to exercise the entire time. I also watch what I eat and try to provide baby with the best and safest foods. I think about baby all day ever day and plan for her arrival constantly. I’m always researching the best baby products, trying to figure out what she needs. I want to be completely prepared. I want her to have the best of everything. Instead of buying new clothes and jewelry, I’m obsessing over which reusable diapers will be the softest and most absorbent (fuzzibunz is the current winner, in case you’re wondering). Instead of researching our next travel destination, I’m researching how to prepare for labor and how to care for newborns.

I’m not afraid of labor, and I’m not nervous about being a mother. But I am worried about the impact baby will have on my relationship with my husband. Throughout the pregnancy, it’s gotten harder and harder to be intimate. It’s not that we’re not happy and in love. I’m still in love with him and can’t wait for him to be a father, but part of me just wants things to be the same as they were before. I want to come home and snuggle up in my husband’s lap, fall asleep nestled in his arms and have him pick me up and give me a tight hug. I want to know that I’ll get all that back once I lose this big belly that’s been growing larger every single day. I want to know for sure that it wasn’t too early to start a family and that we’ll still love each other through the tough times to come. Baby is going to be so loved, and I don’t regret this decision at all, but just as much as I want baby in my life forever, I want my hubby too.